


The Twelve Days Before Whitewood

by clgfanfic



Category: War of the Worlds (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 23:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clgfanfic/pseuds/clgfanfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With apologies to the Twelve Days of Christmas...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Twelve Days Before Whitewood

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the zine Green Floating Weirdness #8 under the pen name J.P. Cads.

**14 December**

 

Harrison,

 

I found the partridge in a pear tree sitting in my office today.  Cute, real cute, mister.  I thought I was getting rid of you for a couple of weeks.  Not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but it took me an hour to clean my desk.  Norton was right, you _are_ weird.  Have a good vacation.

 

Your Friend,

Paul

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**15 December**

 

Harrison,

 

Mrs. Pennyworth just delivered your latest… gift.  Two turtle doves?  Don't you have more interesting things to do than shop for me?  They are kind of cute, but you really don't have to bother.  Just enjoy the vacation – you obviously need it.

 

Thanks again,

Paul

 

P.S.  Debi's working on naming the doves and the partridge.

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

 

**16 December**

 

Harrison,

 

Okay, they're cute, I'll give you that, but I really must insist that you to stop sending me things.

Three French hens?

Great, but they don't get along with the partridge.  You really _don't_ have to do this.

 

Thanks,

Paul

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**17 December**

 

Debi just brought in the four calling birds.  That's enough, Blackwood.  It isn't cute any more.

Are you paying for these yourself?  They better not be going on the expense records for the Project.

 

Paul

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**18 December**

 

Harrison,

 

Suzanne delivered the five gold rings.  And, no, I haven't figured out how to get them apart.  I hate puzzles.  And, just for your information, all those squawking birds are beginning to get on my nerves, so STOP.

We're going to have a little talk when you get back.  Believe it.

 

Paul

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**19 December**

 

We're back to birds again, huh?  I went out to do my morning exercises and found the six geese alaying on the patio.  Those damn birds are dangerous, mister.  Just what the hell am I supposed to do with them?

Mrs. Pennyworth and Suzanne are already complaining they can't sleep through all the racket.  No more, mister.  Or else.

 

Ironhorse

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**20 December**

 

What's with you and these fucking birds?  Seven goddamned swans a-swimming?

Is this is your idea of a goddamned joke?  It isn't funny!  I was attacked by those damned birds on my morning run.  I had to take cover in the coach house.

Not to mention the geese shit all over the patio, and the damned noise!  Even Norton's starting to complain.  How do you expect anyone to sleep?

This is NOT funny, Blackwood.

 

Paul Ironhorse

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**21 December**

 

Okay, Blackwood, just what in the hell am I supposed to do with the eight maids a-milking?

It's not enough that you're driving me crazy with all those birds?  And did the eight maids have to bring their own goddamn cows?

The Omegans are getting distracted and complaining about all the shit on the lawn.  This is supposed to be a SAFE HOUSE.

Just LAY OFF, Smartass.

 

Lt. Col. Paul Ironhorse

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**22 December**

 

Doctor,

 

You are FUCKING NUTS!  Nine pipers playing?  They can't play!  Except with the maids, who they haven't stopped chasing since they got here – Coleman and Suzanne, too.

The cows are getting spooked and stepping on the birds.  How the hell would I explain this if General Wilson showed up for a snap inspection?

You're scheduled for a serious attitude adjustment when you get back, Blackwood.

 

Lt. Col. Ironhorse

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

 

**23 December**

 

Asshole, now there's _ten_ ladies dancing through all that cow shit!  How do you expect me to keep this location secure if you keep sending all these weirdos here?  At least the pipers are leaving Suzanne and Coleman alone, but they're getting into fights with Omega over the maids and ladies.  It's like a goddamned nut house around here, and it's keeping the birds and the cows up!

You know what birds do when they get stressed out?  I'll introduce you to it, up close and personal, when you get back.  You're dead meat on this planet, mister.

 

Colonel Ironhorse

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

**24 December**

 

Listen, slimeball, now I've got eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies!  They've chased the pipers off, but I think the horny bastards are massing for a second assault.

Mrs. Pennyworth, Suzanne, Coleman and Debi are holing up in the basement, and I can't even _find_ Norton.

If the pipers and the lords decide to gang up on the Omegans, someone's going to get killed!

The cows stampeded when the pipers retreated and all 234 of the birds are dead – trampled to death.  I hope you're satisfied!

Do NOT come back.

 

Lt. Colonel Paul Ironhorse, Special Forces

 

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

 

 **25 December** (From the Office of the Joint Chiefs of Staff)

 

Dr. Harrison Blackwood:

 

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict upon Lieutenant Colonel Paul Ironhorse.  All future correspondence should be directed to our office.

If you should attempt to reach Colonel Ironhorse at Whitewood Mental Hospital, the soldiers providing security have instructions to shoot you on sight.  It is abundantly clear that you have been taken over by one of the aliens.

We will hunt you down and shoot you, Doctor.

Merry Christmas, and have a nice day.

 


End file.
